Life Project #1 – Update

I am starting to think I’m an introspection addict. Running (or on one night brisk walking) seems to be a portal into it, encouragement that I rarely if ever need.

I don’t find solace in introspection but to quote Tom Robbins “Solace? That’s why God made fermented beverages and the blues.”

I’ve been using Run Keeper to hold my times. With the iPhone app there are several views which includes pace at different times during the run, distance, elevation you moved onto. While looking over the pace screen I saw that my pace varies fairly drastically throughout my runs, going down as low as 6:30 minutes and upward of 17 minutes. The average of all of this being a 10 minute mile pace.  This brings up the question of distance vs speed.

When I was involved in sports the sprint times was my focus. If I run at a dead heat without holding anything back I can get pretty close to 6 minutes which isn’t bad for someone as massively out of shape as myself. But that dead heat lasts…a minute? 20 seconds?

I am learning toward distance for several reasons – In yoga the concentration is on endurance. Any pose is easy to hold if you hold it for a second, but holding the boat position for any time at all wears the body near to breaking. It is the long poses that really work the muscles, that help the strength to be fed into the body.

The other reason is – I’m always thinking. I am, forever, thinking.  While lying in bed and desperately wanting sleep I think about what I did in class. Why my code isn’t working. Why isn’t it better. Is the door locked? Will it rain? What would it be like if mutant guppies ran the earth?

I bury my face in my pillow or in my boyfriends hair. I try to not think. I try to just be. That moment is perfect so leave it there. Don’t think. Don’t write this story in your head just be a person, just be real in that moment.

So – from what I’ve heard and what trustworthy ranchers have told me – running and getting to that distance past whatever you think is possible is when that silence comes. It is worth a try.

So I’m deciding, for now, working on distance rather than speed.

 

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Life Project #2 – Relationship With Significant Other

Life Project #1 is going well thus far. Running is as frustrating as it is exhilarating. Happily the nerd-friend has watched the baby so there have been mommy time runs. This has given me time to stop and think. Running for whatever reason really does unclog whatever neurological blocks I’ve set up for myself. I’m sure this is utterly revolutionary thinking and I’m the only one who has ever experienced this. 

Sarcasm aside one of the things I’ve dwelt on is my relationship. I am one of the few humans alive to be lucky enough to have met my soul mate. That may sound naive and maybe it is. I’ve had relationships before, good and bad, but my nerd friend is different. I could expound on how the sun rises only when he opens his eyes and says “good morning beautiful”. I could relate how ever since the moment I met him I’ve wanted to be that better person that I feel like I am when he is in my arms. It is what it is and I feel that every minute with him I’m left better than the one that came before. 

This rancher and I first locked messages and not eyes. His first sentence to me was that he thought he loved me and I was shocked and wanted to be off put by this dude’s utter surety. I was charmed and in spite of myself wanted to know more. We messaged each other for over a month trying to meet but life kept getting in the way. 

I would write down the full story of all the weird stuff that has happened to us since that first message where a strange boy told me he loved me before even seeing me but it is painful and it is hard to believe. Even for me the time we’ve had together has felt like a dream. 

But the thing that surprised me the most was that this wasn’t Gone with the Wind. After we fell in love and halved our hearts in effort to make each other whole there was no curtain call and my happy ending is still going on. In some ways this is great and in some ways it’s a bit of a what the hell. 

If you can’t tell by this blog I work toward goals. I enjoy having direction, conquering challenges and being super mom, super nerd and super girlfriend.

What is the goal here? To maintain? Maintenance is something you do to a broken thing and we are the polar opposite of broken, life is amazing! So what do I do to make it better? What is there to patch when there are no leaks? 

I am a rainy day person. I enjoy the sunlight but look for the storm clouds. 

My head goes on repeat – How do I have a boyfriend this amazing and intelligent who wants to spend the rest of his life with me? 

So that’s the life project. To turn that little voice in the back of my head to minimal volume and to, every time that voice pipes up to says you aren’t worthy, to look at my best friend, boyfriend and love of my life and tell him that I love him endlessly and always will. 

No goal, no countdown. Just thank you universe for letting me meet the love of my life. 

No Goal, No Set, Happy Sunday!!